O-Kay, I'm doing it!

Kinky twists are out! I am now rocking my hair. I had planned to participate in the Take Back Your Hair Challenge that Protecting Your Crown & Glory initiated at the beginning of this month but after seeing some of the limitations of having my hair out, I don't know if I will be able to. Issue number one: During the course of the three month challenge I would only be able to use direct heat (blow dryers, flat irons, curlers) twice! The problem: My flat ironed hair looks amazing thanks to my 9 months (today) of newgrowth.  Truth be told, there are two styles that are garanteed to work on this transitioning head of mine: flat ironed & bumped or a rollerset. Twistouts look a hot mess, braid outs look as bad as the twist outs. I have not tried a bantu knot out yet but that has more to do with lack of technique on my end than not.

Still, why is it an issue that I can only do heat styling twice? Well, I'm trying to incorporate exercise (Lord knows I need it) back into my lifestyle, and one of the things that I have heard repeatedly is that it is best to rinse the sweat out of my hair after working out. So, I flat iron my hair then work out, which means I sweat (hello some curls). Then, I rinse my hair to rid it of the salty sweat (hello all curls). Then I have to either rollerset and wait for my hair to dry, or towel dry and flat iron...guess what's going to win, lol.

Now I know that flat ironing/heat styling my hair daily is not a good thing, and I wouldn't have to necessarily do it daily, but certainly more than 2x in 3 months. I could even do 2x a mo, which is an EXTREME change for my usual routine, and I think that would be the best alternative for me, to work my way down from heat styling gently as opposed to cold turkey...a 60 day recovery program, lol.

But, to bring this to a close, I do love the way my hair looks and feels now that I am transitioning. I love the texture that my curls have.
I know that is subject to change as time goes on and as I trim/chop my processed hair. But I and enjoying what I have and taking the steps to continue enjoying it. I feel confident that I will be able to keep myself going on this journey and keep a positive head. I know that it may not necessarily get easier and that is OK. As healthy as my hair looks and feels right now, it is oh so worth it to see what its going to be when I am brave enough to do the big chop.


Oh, get this! My processed hair is a lighter shade of brown than my natural hair! I've NEVER colored my hair in my life! I've always been scared it would break off from the chemical process. I don't know if I'll ever do it, but for how, my hair is colorful! lol

So, until next time!  Be blessed!

What's a Transitioner To Do?

So, I am eight months and one week post relaxer! Yay! I'm happy that I have stuck with this journey thus far. I don't think I could have or would have stuck with it this long were it not for the transitioning styles I've been doing.  Those styles have kept me from over handling my hair, handling my hair incorrectly and becoming frustrated with my hair and perming it.  My goal is to transition for at least a year and see where I am at that point, then decide if I will continue to transition or do the big chop.

The flip side of this whole process is that it has been 8 months and I have barely handled my hair. I attempted a braid out or twist out early on in this journey. I think some time in September...it was not good. I don't know if it was because I didn't have much new growth in comparison to my processed hair or not, but my processed hair did not react well to the twist out. I did do a cold wave/perm rod set and that went well. My only issue with that was not having any hair around my face. For some reason I have no problem with wearing cornrows, which take my hair completely out of my face for months on end, but having my actual hair out of my face makes me very uncomfortable.  These are the things that I, basically have to get over in order to go through this process of transitioning and go through it well. Or, what I believe well to be.

At some point I need to have the true experience of dealing with my transitioning hair.  I think it would be wrong for me to go through this whole transitioning process and not have learned how to deal with the two textures of my hair. What will I have gained if I transition with different styles of braids until I do the BC and then don't know how to handle my natural hair? How will I know what products work for me and which ones don't if I don't start somewhere?  I would hate to go through this process and come out on the other end completely ignorant about what does and doesn't work for me.

So, having said all this, what in the world and I going to do?  Am I going to try & have my hair out and let it breath for a little while after I take out these kinky twists or am I going to get cornrows, like I really want to do? I know what I need to do, but sometimes knowing that what you need and what you want are very close to you creates a fear or apprehension that you didn't know you were going to have. I'm dealing with that on a couple of things right now and I don't know what I'm going to do for either of them.

Sometimes Its Just Me

So, I'm going natural. I began this journey with two friends. Three chicks on a mission. A couple of months later, there were two.  Now, six months later there is me.  I'm not upset about it.  I kind of saw it coming.  After all, I decided to go natural because I thought that was the best option for my hair since it was breaking off so badly and the only part of it that was strong enough to withstand the breakage was the unprocessed hair.  They didn't have that problem.  They decided to try going natural to support me, but this whole thing has had me thinking today.

Why has it been so difficult for me (and I'm sure I'm not the only one) to deal with doing and facing things by myself?  I've tried many endeavors with friends and groups of people and I wasn't any more successful in them than I may have been if I'd done them on my own.  For years I've tried to do things with a buddy.  I've tried to wait for someone to do things with, I've tried to include someone in things and activities that I wanted to do but for one reason or another didn't want to do alone.  Now I'm reaching the point where that is changing.

What has prompted the change? I really think it has everything to do with the death of a very dear and exceptional friend this past October.  While he was about 30 years older than I, I have yet to meet a man in my adult life, build a relationship meant to be completely platonic and have so much in common with that person and be on the same wavelength with that person.  I mean, for real, we may have shared a brain.  I could talk to him about the serious things that I would have maybe spoken to my father about if we had a better relationship and the stupid, frivolous things that I would talk about with friends of my age.  We could have serious conversations and crack some of the most vulgar and gross jokes with each other and laugh at each other until we were sore.  He was the person in my life who was a father, friend, and counselor all at once.  Anyway, because I could gush about him for a looong time, let me move on.  One of the things he used to tell me a lot is that I didn't have to wait for someone else to go after my goal.  I didn't have to wait and see if I got a teaching gig to go and get my masters. I didn't have to wait until I was married to buy a house. I didn't have to wait until I was married to have kids, if I didn't want to and "the only person who has to deal with the outcome of [all those situations] is you. So if you want it, go for it! Those of us who love you got ya back."

I've spent a lot of time thinking about our talks and I realize that sometimes, its just me. Sometimes its just going to me that reaches the goals I want to reach.  Sometimes I can't do what I want to do with a group.  Sometimes, going in alone means finding out that I had the ability to do it, for myself and by myself, all along.  That's what I think my real problem may be. I don't know if I can do it alone an succeed.  And everything in me wishes I could be having this conversation with in right now instead of on this blog, but I can't.  But I thank God for the faith that my friend had in me and for the power he tried to instill in me.  I wish I had grabbed hold of that power while he was still here so he could have seen the fruits of his labor, but this is really the first time that the death of someone I treasured has served as the springboard for the possibility of something great for me. And this is the first time I'm not trying to shy away from it.  So, its just me going natural.  Its just me preparing for home ownership.  The other things will come in time...whether its just me or not.

Going Natural...

I've considered it before and have always chickened out.  I've never had to deal with the real texture of my hair before. By the point I took over my own haircare I was in my teens and my first relaxer was done when I was about nine...PCJ, which stands for Pressing Comb in a Jar, in case you didn't know (lol).  Before that, it was the real deal pressing comb so my mom could manage my naps enough to braid my hair.  The first time I considered going natural I was in college.  I'd had my hair in braids for quite some time and when I decided to take them out (because they were seriously on their last leg) I realized that I didn't have a perm, didn't have any money and had never done my own perm before! Cut to thoughts of me walking around campus with bald spots in my hair! Luckily, I had the smartitude to bring my mom's plug in hot comb with me that year so I pressed my own hair (with surprisingly good results) and did that for about a month or two until a dear friend of mine agreed to perm my hair for me. During that time period I was overwhelmed by the amount of work and time it took to deal with my naps. Mind you, this was in the very late 90's so there was no YouTube and no readily available, salon-free help for managing your own natural hair for the first time ever in your life (BTW, the only things I went to the salon for back then...and really now too, was for a trim. I did my own hair) so 90% of this first consideration was me pressing my hair every 3-4 days to keep the two textures looking similar. Needless to say, that didn't last long any many years have passed before I came to the point where I am today, to try it for real.

I've come to the conclusion that I have to do this for me.  Just like my repeated attempts at weight loss and my thoughts about home ownership, I can't wait for someone to do it with me or expect someone to hold my hand while I'm doing it.  I don't know why, but for some reason, that has always made a task seem daunting or overwhelming to me.  So I'm determined to do this, alone or not, and hopefully the determination in reference to this will transfer to some other things as well.

So, at this point, I haven't had a perm in 6 months. I've been transitioning with braids and thanks to many you tubers & bloggers I feel like I am on the right track.  I now know that whatever texture I'm seeing in my natural hair right now may not be the texture I end up with because, as my hair grows, the weight of it may change the curl pattern and how I take care of it will determine how my hair responds. I know I need to use more water (both to drink and to spritz) and I should moisturize while my hair is wet. Oh! And "BIG HAIR" is okay.  That's going to be a huge mental change for me as I've accumulated years of the "fried died and laid to the side" mentality.  The desire and determination to go natural, along with some life-changing events that will be shared later, is what actually inspired this blog.  In dealing with these things for the past few months I have realized that it isn't just about changes on the surface, but changes on the inside as well.  There are things that I desire for my life that I don't believe I can have until I come to terms with the real person that I am and don't allow what others think about me to dictate how I see myself or how I respond.  While I am very outspoken and very blunt 98% of the time, there are things that I often shy away from due to my own shame & lack of comfort with where I am in relation to them and I am coming to the realization that I need to come to terms with who I am, where I am and how I am because not doing so is a hindrance to me.  And it makes no sense for me to hold myself back.

I Am Me!!

I want to begin this blogging experience by stating that I am saved.  However, it is a process and a journey and I often fall short and say things and do things that are out of line with God's will for me, & sometimes out of will with what I want for myself.  There are times when the bad in me shoots out of my mouth before the good & God in me are acknowledged to prevent me from doing and saying things that are better left unsaid and undone.  Having said that, I will try to keep the things said on this blog up to snuff, but if I'm displaying the real me, some of the occurrences shared on this blog may not be...hence the warning, lol.

There was a time when I was afraid to be who I really am. I was worried that the people who were supposed to matter would not like me or value me if I didn't fit into the box of who they thought I should be and how they thought I should act.  When it became clear that there were some areas of my life in which I would not be able to be the person those people thought I should be in certain areas, I tried to focus on something else...anything else that would possibly make me worthy.  For years I fought against who I was to try and be who someone else wanted me to be, to do what someone else wanted me to do and I always fell short in one way or another.  Finally, I reached the point where I said "to hell with it" and I began to focus on being the person that I really am. The good, the bad & the ugly.  The downside??  After years of trying to be what others thought I should be, I didn't really know.  So I am currently still in a stage of self discovery.  Part of me believes I am too old to be in this phase of my life, but I didn't do it when I was younger so what choice do I have?  So here I am, at this point in my life, learning to love who I am and that the me that I am is not only acceptable, but good and worthwhile.  Are there physical things about me that I would like to change?  Of course!  Are there emotional issues that need to be worked on?  Yep.  Am I hiding or trying to push down those things anymore?  NO WAY!

I am me!! I love me!! I'm going to work on who I am so I can be the best me.  I don't want to leave this earth wishing I had done something, said something, been something that I was too scared or didn't take time to be.  I'm going to be the real me - with all that it goes along with that, now, while on this earth and give those I love, including myself, the opportunity to see the person I truly am. I'm not going to be ashamed of how I feel or what I want to do. I'm not holding back to bring about the happiness of someone else when the trade off is my own misery (while sacrifice isn't always easy, sacrifice should never be infinite and should always be reciprocated in some form).