January 24, 2011

Sometimes Its Just Me

So, I'm going natural. I began this journey with two friends. Three chicks on a mission. A couple of months later, there were two.  Now, six months later there is me.  I'm not upset about it.  I kind of saw it coming.  After all, I decided to go natural because I thought that was the best option for my hair since it was breaking off so badly and the only part of it that was strong enough to withstand the breakage was the unprocessed hair.  They didn't have that problem.  They decided to try going natural to support me, but this whole thing has had me thinking today.

Why has it been so difficult for me (and I'm sure I'm not the only one) to deal with doing and facing things by myself?  I've tried many endeavors with friends and groups of people and I wasn't any more successful in them than I may have been if I'd done them on my own.  For years I've tried to do things with a buddy.  I've tried to wait for someone to do things with, I've tried to include someone in things and activities that I wanted to do but for one reason or another didn't want to do alone.  Now I'm reaching the point where that is changing.

What has prompted the change? I really think it has everything to do with the death of a very dear and exceptional friend this past October.  While he was about 30 years older than I, I have yet to meet a man in my adult life, build a relationship meant to be completely platonic and have so much in common with that person and be on the same wavelength with that person.  I mean, for real, we may have shared a brain.  I could talk to him about the serious things that I would have maybe spoken to my father about if we had a better relationship and the stupid, frivolous things that I would talk about with friends of my age.  We could have serious conversations and crack some of the most vulgar and gross jokes with each other and laugh at each other until we were sore.  He was the person in my life who was a father, friend, and counselor all at once.  Anyway, because I could gush about him for a looong time, let me move on.  One of the things he used to tell me a lot is that I didn't have to wait for someone else to go after my goal.  I didn't have to wait and see if I got a teaching gig to go and get my masters. I didn't have to wait until I was married to buy a house. I didn't have to wait until I was married to have kids, if I didn't want to and "the only person who has to deal with the outcome of [all those situations] is you. So if you want it, go for it! Those of us who love you got ya back."

I've spent a lot of time thinking about our talks and I realize that sometimes, its just me. Sometimes its just going to me that reaches the goals I want to reach.  Sometimes I can't do what I want to do with a group.  Sometimes, going in alone means finding out that I had the ability to do it, for myself and by myself, all along.  That's what I think my real problem may be. I don't know if I can do it alone an succeed.  And everything in me wishes I could be having this conversation with in right now instead of on this blog, but I can't.  But I thank God for the faith that my friend had in me and for the power he tried to instill in me.  I wish I had grabbed hold of that power while he was still here so he could have seen the fruits of his labor, but this is really the first time that the death of someone I treasured has served as the springboard for the possibility of something great for me. And this is the first time I'm not trying to shy away from it.  So, its just me going natural.  Its just me preparing for home ownership.  The other things will come in time...whether its just me or not.

January 5, 2011

Going Natural...

I've considered it before and have always chickened out.  I've never had to deal with the real texture of my hair before. By the point I took over my own haircare I was in my teens and my first relaxer was done when I was about nine...PCJ, which stands for Pressing Comb in a Jar, in case you didn't know (lol).  Before that, it was the real deal pressing comb so my mom could manage my naps enough to braid my hair.  The first time I considered going natural I was in college.  I'd had my hair in braids for quite some time and when I decided to take them out (because they were seriously on their last leg) I realized that I didn't have a perm, didn't have any money and had never done my own perm before! Cut to thoughts of me walking around campus with bald spots in my hair! Luckily, I had the smartitude to bring my mom's plug in hot comb with me that year so I pressed my own hair (with surprisingly good results) and did that for about a month or two until a dear friend of mine agreed to perm my hair for me. During that time period I was overwhelmed by the amount of work and time it took to deal with my naps. Mind you, this was in the very late 90's so there was no YouTube and no readily available, salon-free help for managing your own natural hair for the first time ever in your life (BTW, the only things I went to the salon for back then...and really now too, was for a trim. I did my own hair) so 90% of this first consideration was me pressing my hair every 3-4 days to keep the two textures looking similar. Needless to say, that didn't last long any many years have passed before I came to the point where I am today, to try it for real.

I've come to the conclusion that I have to do this for me.  Just like my repeated attempts at weight loss and my thoughts about home ownership, I can't wait for someone to do it with me or expect someone to hold my hand while I'm doing it.  I don't know why, but for some reason, that has always made a task seem daunting or overwhelming to me.  So I'm determined to do this, alone or not, and hopefully the determination in reference to this will transfer to some other things as well.

So, at this point, I haven't had a perm in 6 months. I've been transitioning with braids and thanks to many you tubers & bloggers I feel like I am on the right track.  I now know that whatever texture I'm seeing in my natural hair right now may not be the texture I end up with because, as my hair grows, the weight of it may change the curl pattern and how I take care of it will determine how my hair responds. I know I need to use more water (both to drink and to spritz) and I should moisturize while my hair is wet. Oh! And "BIG HAIR" is okay.  That's going to be a huge mental change for me as I've accumulated years of the "fried died and laid to the side" mentality.  The desire and determination to go natural, along with some life-changing events that will be shared later, is what actually inspired this blog.  In dealing with these things for the past few months I have realized that it isn't just about changes on the surface, but changes on the inside as well.  There are things that I desire for my life that I don't believe I can have until I come to terms with the real person that I am and don't allow what others think about me to dictate how I see myself or how I respond.  While I am very outspoken and very blunt 98% of the time, there are things that I often shy away from due to my own shame & lack of comfort with where I am in relation to them and I am coming to the realization that I need to come to terms with who I am, where I am and how I am because not doing so is a hindrance to me.  And it makes no sense for me to hold myself back.

January 2, 2011

I Am Me!!

I want to begin this blogging experience by stating that I am saved.  However, it is a process and a journey and I often fall short and say things and do things that are out of line with God's will for me, & sometimes out of will with what I want for myself.  There are times when the bad in me shoots out of my mouth before the good & God in me are acknowledged to prevent me from doing and saying things that are better left unsaid and undone.  Having said that, I will try to keep the things said on this blog up to snuff, but if I'm displaying the real me, some of the occurrences shared on this blog may not be...hence the warning, lol.

There was a time when I was afraid to be who I really am. I was worried that the people who were supposed to matter would not like me or value me if I didn't fit into the box of who they thought I should be and how they thought I should act.  When it became clear that there were some areas of my life in which I would not be able to be the person those people thought I should be in certain areas, I tried to focus on something else...anything else that would possibly make me worthy.  For years I fought against who I was to try and be who someone else wanted me to be, to do what someone else wanted me to do and I always fell short in one way or another.  Finally, I reached the point where I said "to hell with it" and I began to focus on being the person that I really am. The good, the bad & the ugly.  The downside??  After years of trying to be what others thought I should be, I didn't really know.  So I am currently still in a stage of self discovery.  Part of me believes I am too old to be in this phase of my life, but I didn't do it when I was younger so what choice do I have?  So here I am, at this point in my life, learning to love who I am and that the me that I am is not only acceptable, but good and worthwhile.  Are there physical things about me that I would like to change?  Of course!  Are there emotional issues that need to be worked on?  Yep.  Am I hiding or trying to push down those things anymore?  NO WAY!

I am me!! I love me!! I'm going to work on who I am so I can be the best me.  I don't want to leave this earth wishing I had done something, said something, been something that I was too scared or didn't take time to be.  I'm going to be the real me - with all that it goes along with that, now, while on this earth and give those I love, including myself, the opportunity to see the person I truly am. I'm not going to be ashamed of how I feel or what I want to do. I'm not holding back to bring about the happiness of someone else when the trade off is my own misery (while sacrifice isn't always easy, sacrifice should never be infinite and should always be reciprocated in some form).