January 2, 2011

I Am Me!!

I want to begin this blogging experience by stating that I am saved.  However, it is a process and a journey and I often fall short and say things and do things that are out of line with God's will for me, & sometimes out of will with what I want for myself.  There are times when the bad in me shoots out of my mouth before the good & God in me are acknowledged to prevent me from doing and saying things that are better left unsaid and undone.  Having said that, I will try to keep the things said on this blog up to snuff, but if I'm displaying the real me, some of the occurrences shared on this blog may not be...hence the warning, lol.

There was a time when I was afraid to be who I really am. I was worried that the people who were supposed to matter would not like me or value me if I didn't fit into the box of who they thought I should be and how they thought I should act.  When it became clear that there were some areas of my life in which I would not be able to be the person those people thought I should be in certain areas, I tried to focus on something else...anything else that would possibly make me worthy.  For years I fought against who I was to try and be who someone else wanted me to be, to do what someone else wanted me to do and I always fell short in one way or another.  Finally, I reached the point where I said "to hell with it" and I began to focus on being the person that I really am. The good, the bad & the ugly.  The downside??  After years of trying to be what others thought I should be, I didn't really know.  So I am currently still in a stage of self discovery.  Part of me believes I am too old to be in this phase of my life, but I didn't do it when I was younger so what choice do I have?  So here I am, at this point in my life, learning to love who I am and that the me that I am is not only acceptable, but good and worthwhile.  Are there physical things about me that I would like to change?  Of course!  Are there emotional issues that need to be worked on?  Yep.  Am I hiding or trying to push down those things anymore?  NO WAY!

I am me!! I love me!! I'm going to work on who I am so I can be the best me.  I don't want to leave this earth wishing I had done something, said something, been something that I was too scared or didn't take time to be.  I'm going to be the real me - with all that it goes along with that, now, while on this earth and give those I love, including myself, the opportunity to see the person I truly am. I'm not going to be ashamed of how I feel or what I want to do. I'm not holding back to bring about the happiness of someone else when the trade off is my own misery (while sacrifice isn't always easy, sacrifice should never be infinite and should always be reciprocated in some form).

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