January 24, 2011

Sometimes Its Just Me

So, I'm going natural. I began this journey with two friends. Three chicks on a mission. A couple of months later, there were two.  Now, six months later there is me.  I'm not upset about it.  I kind of saw it coming.  After all, I decided to go natural because I thought that was the best option for my hair since it was breaking off so badly and the only part of it that was strong enough to withstand the breakage was the unprocessed hair.  They didn't have that problem.  They decided to try going natural to support me, but this whole thing has had me thinking today.

Why has it been so difficult for me (and I'm sure I'm not the only one) to deal with doing and facing things by myself?  I've tried many endeavors with friends and groups of people and I wasn't any more successful in them than I may have been if I'd done them on my own.  For years I've tried to do things with a buddy.  I've tried to wait for someone to do things with, I've tried to include someone in things and activities that I wanted to do but for one reason or another didn't want to do alone.  Now I'm reaching the point where that is changing.

What has prompted the change? I really think it has everything to do with the death of a very dear and exceptional friend this past October.  While he was about 30 years older than I, I have yet to meet a man in my adult life, build a relationship meant to be completely platonic and have so much in common with that person and be on the same wavelength with that person.  I mean, for real, we may have shared a brain.  I could talk to him about the serious things that I would have maybe spoken to my father about if we had a better relationship and the stupid, frivolous things that I would talk about with friends of my age.  We could have serious conversations and crack some of the most vulgar and gross jokes with each other and laugh at each other until we were sore.  He was the person in my life who was a father, friend, and counselor all at once.  Anyway, because I could gush about him for a looong time, let me move on.  One of the things he used to tell me a lot is that I didn't have to wait for someone else to go after my goal.  I didn't have to wait and see if I got a teaching gig to go and get my masters. I didn't have to wait until I was married to buy a house. I didn't have to wait until I was married to have kids, if I didn't want to and "the only person who has to deal with the outcome of [all those situations] is you. So if you want it, go for it! Those of us who love you got ya back."

I've spent a lot of time thinking about our talks and I realize that sometimes, its just me. Sometimes its just going to me that reaches the goals I want to reach.  Sometimes I can't do what I want to do with a group.  Sometimes, going in alone means finding out that I had the ability to do it, for myself and by myself, all along.  That's what I think my real problem may be. I don't know if I can do it alone an succeed.  And everything in me wishes I could be having this conversation with in right now instead of on this blog, but I can't.  But I thank God for the faith that my friend had in me and for the power he tried to instill in me.  I wish I had grabbed hold of that power while he was still here so he could have seen the fruits of his labor, but this is really the first time that the death of someone I treasured has served as the springboard for the possibility of something great for me. And this is the first time I'm not trying to shy away from it.  So, its just me going natural.  Its just me preparing for home ownership.  The other things will come in time...whether its just me or not.

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